Grateful Heart - Day 12

Today I am grateful for my faith. Faith holds me together when it seems like everything is falling apart...it gives hope and purpose to my life.

It's a funny thing. When I was very young (2nd grade) my faith was already SO solid that I was sure I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. I had been raised Catholic but I can't say that my parents were devout and we didn't go to church every Sunday but I just had this intrinsic knowledge that God existed, that I was an extension of the love He has for the world and that I came from where He exists to Earth to do His bidding. I also knew that I wanted to help do the work of the Lord and spread love, forgiveness, and to help. That's a lot for someone who's 7 years old. That's kinda why I'm sure there is a God. I attended a Catholic school for half that school year and my favorite part of the day was going to mass before school began and just communing with God. At some point that year, I don't know how, I also realized that I wouldn't become a nun because I knew that I needed to become a mother and if I took vows, I would not be able to realize that.

As adolescence hit and lots of my world was rocked by challenges with relationships, authority, learning to become independent, drugs, sex, figuring out what was "right" and what was "wrong", for a while I began to question my faith. I began to question whether there really was a God or was I blindly following a Being that was a figment of others' imagination. Up to this time, I had regularly prayed and trusted in fate that God was putting situations and people in my path and that everything was happening by His great design. But, it was during my teen years that I began to not "feel" His presence in my life. I felt alone and dejected and depressed because it seemed that if I could not count on God, then there was no reason for being alive. I didn't think we should just be existing without purpose. It wasn't that I was afraid there was no afterlife; I just didn't want to be "taking up space" with no possibility beyond death of the body at some point in the future.

I lived this way for quite some time. I went forward and played like I was still a believer; attending church periodically. When my now husband and I were preparing to get married, the church said we had to get our confirmations before being allowed to marry in the church. We attended classes out of obligation and, again, I didn't really take them seriously. On the day of my confirmation, the Bishop of our Diocese was present to bestow the sacrament and the Holy Spirit was supposed to wash over us. I can't explain what happened beyond that when the Bishop laid his hand on me, I felt washed over with the most love and joy and fullness I have ever experienced. I had not asked for it, or even believed it was possible, I think, but when it entered me I broke down and cried. That experience really did confirm for me the presence of something larger than myself and I felt the connection we all have to the Divine!

Since that day, I have faltered at times, but realize now that I have been on a journey of deepening faith. It's funny, but at this time in my life I feel closer to the "knowing" I felt as a 2nd grader than ever that there is a God and that He blesses my life on a daily basis. I have learned that the mistakes I've made along my path this lifetime have been opportunities to learn and grow my soul. I realize now that the people who have entered and exited my life have been beacons or pathways or challenges or catalysts on that learning journey and I am grateful for each and every one. I have said for some time that I do not live with regrets because even the hard things and bad things that have happened to me have enriched me and my journey and grown my soul. It it my faith that lets me know this.

Now, every night as I lay down to sleep, I recite the Lord's Prayer and I thank God for another day of living and ask that I be allowed to do His work and be an instrument of His peace...the rest is gravy. I don't know what my life would be without my faith and I don't ever want to know.

Grateful Heart - Day 11

Today I am grateful for my voice. I mean this both figuratively and literally. Tonight I thought about what my life would be like without the ability to use my voice to communicate. There is so much about clear communication that comes through the tone of our voice or the inflection of a word or phrase. Without that voice, and the ability to raise or lower it, change its tone, and also important, sing, I think my life would be so much less full.

I love to write and I love to use technology and social networking sites but I have learned many times over that words alone cannot always relay (unless you're a poet or professional writer) accurately or fully whatever sentiment you are wishing to communicate. There's a richness to a face-to-face or even voice-to-voice conversation that is often found lacking in IMs or emails.

So, I will sing out loud, I will relish my ability to speak to my kids, my friends, my family, and strangers who might become friends and all the while appreciate that my voice is mine alone and deserves to be heard.

Grateful Heart - Day 10

Today I am grateful for having "enough". "Enough" means that I don't have too little and I don't have more than I need. I am grateful that we don't worry day-to-day about where our next meal will come from, where we will stay or whether we have a roof over our heads, whether someone in our house will be alive tomorrow, etc. We have the peace of mind about our lives that I know many cannot have right now.

I have never placed a lot of importance on having more than I need. I drive a moderate car that is always picked to last and take a beating over whether or not it is fancy, powerful, or sexy. Our house is a hodge-podge of hand-me-downs, thrift store finds, and beloved pieces. My goal in life has always been to have a house where people would be able to come and visit, feel at ease and not have to worry about breaking or spilling something inside.

I think that I feel the way I do because as a child my parents had to work very hard to provide for us. My dad worked 2 jobs and was home very little when I was very young so that my mom could stay home and be with us kids instead of having to put us in daycare. I saw them work hard fro what they have, take care of what they possessed in order to make it last longer and also still give to charities or collect for them (Unicef, American Cancer Society and many others).

My mom was always careful to remind us how we were so much better off than a lot of other people around us and it instilled in me a desire to pay it forward and share with those around me.

I have taken those values into my life as an adult and as part of the head of our family. I only hope that my children will take away the same lessons as they move out on their own.

Grateful Heart - Day 9

I realized that I didn't do Day 8...maybe I'll go back and fill it in later...but for now, day 9. Today I am grateful for patience.

When I was younger, patience was DEFINITELY NOT my strong suit! I barreled through my life acting on my passion and whim. I didn't learn yet that patience can be an ally and a friend and save me a lot of stress, strife and tears.

Over the years, through maturing, through learning, and through experience I have purposely cultivated patience as a virtue. In exchange, I offend people less, I often make carefully considered responses to people who might be trying to engage me in arguments, and I appreciate more the things I have gained through patience.

Patience can come in handy in many situations. When I wanted to go to Ireland as a bucket list item, it seemed an impossible task. The old me would have either sacrificed money and time we didn't have just to make it happen or haphazardly decided that it was too expensive and written it off, never to be realized. Instead, I patiently researched the various ways I could cut costs and then decided how much money we might need to make it happen and began to save. This process took probably at least 3 years (which is a long time to wait when you're eager to go) of saving, planning, calculating, arranging, and orchestrating the trip. The result was beyond my dreams! And we came back with $300 or so that didn't get spent to put away for the next adventure.

Patience has also helped me avoid confrontations that are unwinnable. Instead of just reacting, I am able to step outside the situation, see it for what it is (unwinnable), and remove myself from it instead of engaging in what would only cause more hurt feelings and have to productive outcome.

Patience has made me a better parent. If I ask one of my children to change a behavior, the old me would have instantly become angry the first time they "forgot" or otherwise didn't conform. Instead, the patient me realizes that change comes with effort and that time is required to form new habits. Patience enables me to look beyond the immediate, be able to remind them what needs to happen again, and wait for the change to take place. In this way, we have less angst in the house overall.

I work consciously every day to remember to be patient and to greet difficult situations with patience. I'm not always successful, no one is perfect, but overall I have to say that my life is much more even-keeled because of it.

Grateful Heart - Day 7

I'm grateful today for where I live. I decided to go to Monterey today to do some Christmas shopping and let my daughter spend a little time with her boyfriend who happens to live there. As I drove the road down there (we live approximately 45 minutes away), I took some time to really appreciate the scenery and realized that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the United States, and maybe in the world.

We came up on the Monterey Bay right around twilight and the sky was clear with no fog to obscure our view and I commented to my daughter how beautiful it was. It dawned on me once again how blessed we are to call someplace like this our "neighborhood" of sorts.

We are planning on trying to spend some time in Europe this summer and I pointed out to my daughter that many Europeans choose to visit Monterey the way we are coveting our visit to Paris, France and Italy. She was shocked at this and reminded me that we're not as rich in history or culture as Europe is but I told her that the Europeans come to Monterey not necessarily just for culture (although there is some unique culture there) but for the beauty of the bay itself and the surrounding areas (Pebble Beach, Asilomar, 17 Mile Drive, Carmel and the Big Sur coastline).

Most of us are aware of the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland as being picturesque and the subject of many posters. When my husband and I arrived there and I looked at them, I was struck on how similar they are to some of the coastline near Big Sur....and felt grateful that I could have that so accessible.

It has always been my dream to live by the beach. I don't, but I have to say, where I live is pretty much perfect because I can get to the city (San Jose, CA) and to the beach in equal time. It's the best of both worlds. Here are some pics so you can see for yourself why I'm so grateful!

Grateful Heart - Day 6

Today I find myself grateful for passion. I think passion is not only a gift but an imperative. I feel like without passion for something, we're kinda just wasting space. For me, my passions lie in a few fields. I have a passion for politics but not the politics in the traditional sense but of ways of living and caring and going through life in a way that nurtures and cares for ourselves and others. I do get involved politically because I take very seriously my role as a citizen and feel that I cannot expect to just settle for the status quo unless I try to affect change where I feel it is needed.

I have a passion for reading. I am a voracious reader and always reading at least 2-3 books at a time. I somehow keep the stories straight in my head and find even a few minutes every day to crack them open and engross myself into the story or the learning that is being presented to me.

I have a passion for learning. I want to learn til I take my last breath. I don't think the day will come in my lifetime where I will wake up and say, "I have learned all there is to learn. I now feel content that my knowledge is the greatest it needs to be." Simply won't happen. In fact, what I DO know is that the more I know, the less I realize I do know. :) I love being a student of life, philosophy, communications, relationships and history.

I have a passion for children. They simply drive my world. I realize now that I focus on the children around me. I listen to them, observe them, try to learn from them. I try to understand what they see in the world and how it might differ from my perspective. I try to open myself up to their world and just sit there for a while. I find them fascinating and never boring!

I have a passion for writing. It has waxed and waned over the years but it is a constant. I have kept a journal off and on since I was 14 years old and they have become a timeline of events, feelings, growth and memories. It isn't enough for me that I simply walk through this life; I feel compelled to record my time here in some semi-permanent method.

So, for me, passion is a gift and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would hope for those around me that they search for and find their passions and cultivate them throughout their lives.

Grateful Heart - Day 5

Today I am grateful for the predictability of my life. I've never been a fan of change. There are those out there who relish adventure and change and all the excitement that comes with it. However, that is not me. Actually change makes me crazy for awhile, until whatever has changed begins to feel like my new "normal". I am flexible but only within parameters.

Most of the time, my days are pretty predictable, especially during the school year. I get up in the morning and drive my daughter to school, run by my job and pick up the bags to be processed that day (I am a bookkeeper for a local restaurant) and then go home, attack my work, prepare new cash bags and the day's deposits, eat breakfast, take a shower, and then look to see what I might be able to get done that day before I have to go and pick up kids from school at 3pm.

My favorite time of the day, actually, is the time between when I finish my work and I have to go pick up kids. I usually have some time to contemplate, write, read, or just mess around on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or generally cruise the net. This time is precious to me and I think what I don't like about non-predictability is that I probably don't get the chance to relax with my own thoughts/desires during those times.

Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that most days will look similar and that the people who surround me are pretty much predictable as well. I'm grateful for less surprises in this time of my life...I'm content.

30 Days with a Grateful Heart - Day 4

Today I found myself grateful for mobility. I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately and also achy and slow. I have had bad knees for over 10 years now. Had a full ACL replacement on the right knee and some meniscus damage on the left knee from a skiing accident. Over the years, very slowly, I have become more stiff and the pain has increased. I also notice that it takes me longer to get up and get moving if I've been still for a while or if it's cold or the weather is changing.

Anyhow, because of this stiffening and pain, I've been pretty limited about being on my feet for long periods of time or walking for large distances. However, today I felt better than I have in weeks and I actually started my holiday shopping. I found that there were even a couple of times when I got up from sitting for awhile and I was completely fluid and pain free. I cannot express how happy that made me. Because of my injuries and the limits they have placed on me, being mobile has actually become more precious to me. I think a lot of us just take our mobility for granted as I once did.

Now, I feel grateful for the days where I feel "normal" and I appreciate that, even if I'm in some kind of discomfort, I can still move about without help of a cane, crutches, braces or a wheelchair. I hope there are many more years of mobility ahead of me!

Grateful Heart - Day 3

Today I was reminded of what I gift I have in my husband. I haven't been feeling quite up to snuff lately and so I can be fairly non-productive, sometimes short or irritable, and often scattered. He deals with all of it with such grace and patience! I overlook often how much he shows in so many little ways the love he holds in his heart for me. Being loved so fully and unconditionally is something very rare and, for that, I am eternally grateful!

We worked together today to set up our indoor Christmas decorations and I realized how well we complement each other. I am good at the actual decorating (which he doesn't really care for) but I SUCK at packing and organizing whatever has to be put away first (like the Thanksgiving decorations) or the stuff that is displaced in decorating for the holidays. He seamlessly takes all these materials which I just pile on our kitchen table so that when I turn around not much later, it's neatly packed away until we need them again.

These sorts of little gestures he makes on a daily basis feed my soul and make me realize the gift I have in him. Thanks, honey, for loving me and taking care of me and "getting" me!

Day 2 - Grateful Heart

I'm grateful for my children. My three kids are my world. They give me reason to get up in the morning, consistently amaze me, and sometimes drive me crazy...There is never a dull moment and I don't know where I'd be without them.

I have allowed each one of them to become the person they are intrinsically and, as a result, they are very different. However, each one has unique gift they provide. Right now I have all of them home with me and it's a challenge but also allows me to see their faces on an almost daily basis. I know that soon I will lose some of them to moving out and moving into their own lives but, for right now, for this holiday season, I will celebrate and be grateful that they are with me and my husband.

I know whatever they turn out to be in their futures, I will thank God for blessing me as their mother. I consider it a privilege to have helped teach and guide them into the adults they are and are becoming. I love them all soooooo much!

30 Days with a Grateful Heart - Day 1

A friend and I were chatting this evening and she invited me to participate in

30 Days with a Grateful Heart (2011) - Wanna Play?

I jumped at the chance to take on this challenge because 2011 has been a hectic year and one full of changes. These changes, both mental and physical, have somehow affected me and messed with my mojo. Whereas I'm usually someone who is focused on what I have versus what I don't, I find myself in a funk of sorts and focusing on the negative. So, this challenge will, hopefully, help me turn my attitude to one of gratitude and help me do two things: 1) End this year on a high note of recognizing all the wonderful things/people I have in my life and, 2) Bring me into a mental place that will energize me and prepare me to attack 2012 with gusto, hope, and gratitude so I can get back where I want to be and where I belong.

So...Day 1: I'm grateful for friends who care and who hold me when I forget how to hold myself.

Here I've been VERY blessed! I am fortunate to have many friends and acquaintances so far in my life and I look forward to not only nourishing those relationships but being open to welcoming in new people as I meander through life.

Some friends are from my early childhood...they share a past experience with me that makes me feel like I'm "home" when I'm in their presence or even when I think of those days. I may not have been constantly in touch with these people but as we have crossed each others' paths again, I am reminded of memories made, experiences shared, and a connection with my elementary school days. I love that we're still in touch and I treasure getting to know some of them again as adults and see how their lives have progressed.

Some friends are from middle and high school. Again, some I've stayed consistently in touch with but others I have only recently become acquainted with or reacquainted with and I'm LOVING every minute of it! I realize that I was lucky enough to go to school with some pretty amazing individuals! I enjoy building and nurturing these relationships and our shared experiences.

My Toot-n-Totem II friends are really family of the heart. We had a GREAT group of kids working there and many of us have stayed close even though the place closed to the public on 12/23/89. How do I know the exact date it closed? Because my second son was born that day and my husband STILL attended the last hurrah. It was THAT important of a place in our lives and the people we met there are STILL and always will be a "family" to me.

My OSH friends that I still have around...great memories and experiences and I grew up a LOT there!

My neighbors here in Hollister are just WOW! I live near an amazing group of people who have embraced each other as friends and who enjoy each others' company. Our kids are close (some like brothers and sisters) and I can't imagine living anywhere else!!!

Not a day goes by where I don't think about this network of people that I've been blessed to become a part of and who feed my soul on a daily basis. There have been times where I've needed to be supported and "held" and they've been there and then some! Other times I've been happy to lend them support and encouragement. That's what friends are for, right?

As much as things change, they stay the same...

Wow! I guess I kinda forgot about this blog...funny how life gets in the way of what you REALLY want to do!

So, it's been basically 2 years and yet I find myself in the same physical situation with all my kids in the house still. Oldest son moved out for about 6 months in 2011 but found that he was really unhappy and wanted to move back...he was about 100 miles away one way and I guess the umbilical cord didn't stretch that far!

I've become more used to my living situation, dealt with more challenges (which I can now write about) and tried some different tactics to the bathroom scenario...yes, it is still a challenge! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?! ;)

Ironically, my sons are possibly in the process of moving out again. For sure the middle son is looking to move to San Francisco with friends. Of course, I think he's biting off more than he knows but he is at least stretching his wings and trying something new...I cannot and will not fault him for that.

Oldest son has a new girlfriend and she is getting ready to start her first quarter at UC Santa Cruz. She needs/desires to find a place to live closer to the campus than where we are and, although it isn't for sure, they might be moving together to wherever she finds a spot. So, my life is in flux.

While I have found that I truly enjoy having my children under my roof and the ability it gives me to visit and keep up with them emotionally, I understand that it is time that they begin to build independent lives and start their own adventures. I will write more about how I feel about that as well.

So, here I am again...hoping to continue where I left off...share what has happened, what has worked and not worked, what issues I went through and am going through emotionally and maybe help others who are just embarking on this journey or learn from those who are ahead of me.

One thing I did right the first time I started this blog...picking the right phrase for this process...."Que sera, sera!" (Whatever will be, will be!)