Grateful Heart - Day 12

Today I am grateful for my faith. Faith holds me together when it seems like everything is falling apart...it gives hope and purpose to my life.

It's a funny thing. When I was very young (2nd grade) my faith was already SO solid that I was sure I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. I had been raised Catholic but I can't say that my parents were devout and we didn't go to church every Sunday but I just had this intrinsic knowledge that God existed, that I was an extension of the love He has for the world and that I came from where He exists to Earth to do His bidding. I also knew that I wanted to help do the work of the Lord and spread love, forgiveness, and to help. That's a lot for someone who's 7 years old. That's kinda why I'm sure there is a God. I attended a Catholic school for half that school year and my favorite part of the day was going to mass before school began and just communing with God. At some point that year, I don't know how, I also realized that I wouldn't become a nun because I knew that I needed to become a mother and if I took vows, I would not be able to realize that.

As adolescence hit and lots of my world was rocked by challenges with relationships, authority, learning to become independent, drugs, sex, figuring out what was "right" and what was "wrong", for a while I began to question my faith. I began to question whether there really was a God or was I blindly following a Being that was a figment of others' imagination. Up to this time, I had regularly prayed and trusted in fate that God was putting situations and people in my path and that everything was happening by His great design. But, it was during my teen years that I began to not "feel" His presence in my life. I felt alone and dejected and depressed because it seemed that if I could not count on God, then there was no reason for being alive. I didn't think we should just be existing without purpose. It wasn't that I was afraid there was no afterlife; I just didn't want to be "taking up space" with no possibility beyond death of the body at some point in the future.

I lived this way for quite some time. I went forward and played like I was still a believer; attending church periodically. When my now husband and I were preparing to get married, the church said we had to get our confirmations before being allowed to marry in the church. We attended classes out of obligation and, again, I didn't really take them seriously. On the day of my confirmation, the Bishop of our Diocese was present to bestow the sacrament and the Holy Spirit was supposed to wash over us. I can't explain what happened beyond that when the Bishop laid his hand on me, I felt washed over with the most love and joy and fullness I have ever experienced. I had not asked for it, or even believed it was possible, I think, but when it entered me I broke down and cried. That experience really did confirm for me the presence of something larger than myself and I felt the connection we all have to the Divine!

Since that day, I have faltered at times, but realize now that I have been on a journey of deepening faith. It's funny, but at this time in my life I feel closer to the "knowing" I felt as a 2nd grader than ever that there is a God and that He blesses my life on a daily basis. I have learned that the mistakes I've made along my path this lifetime have been opportunities to learn and grow my soul. I realize now that the people who have entered and exited my life have been beacons or pathways or challenges or catalysts on that learning journey and I am grateful for each and every one. I have said for some time that I do not live with regrets because even the hard things and bad things that have happened to me have enriched me and my journey and grown my soul. It it my faith that lets me know this.

Now, every night as I lay down to sleep, I recite the Lord's Prayer and I thank God for another day of living and ask that I be allowed to do His work and be an instrument of His peace...the rest is gravy. I don't know what my life would be without my faith and I don't ever want to know.

Grateful Heart - Day 11

Today I am grateful for my voice. I mean this both figuratively and literally. Tonight I thought about what my life would be like without the ability to use my voice to communicate. There is so much about clear communication that comes through the tone of our voice or the inflection of a word or phrase. Without that voice, and the ability to raise or lower it, change its tone, and also important, sing, I think my life would be so much less full.

I love to write and I love to use technology and social networking sites but I have learned many times over that words alone cannot always relay (unless you're a poet or professional writer) accurately or fully whatever sentiment you are wishing to communicate. There's a richness to a face-to-face or even voice-to-voice conversation that is often found lacking in IMs or emails.

So, I will sing out loud, I will relish my ability to speak to my kids, my friends, my family, and strangers who might become friends and all the while appreciate that my voice is mine alone and deserves to be heard.

Grateful Heart - Day 10

Today I am grateful for having "enough". "Enough" means that I don't have too little and I don't have more than I need. I am grateful that we don't worry day-to-day about where our next meal will come from, where we will stay or whether we have a roof over our heads, whether someone in our house will be alive tomorrow, etc. We have the peace of mind about our lives that I know many cannot have right now.

I have never placed a lot of importance on having more than I need. I drive a moderate car that is always picked to last and take a beating over whether or not it is fancy, powerful, or sexy. Our house is a hodge-podge of hand-me-downs, thrift store finds, and beloved pieces. My goal in life has always been to have a house where people would be able to come and visit, feel at ease and not have to worry about breaking or spilling something inside.

I think that I feel the way I do because as a child my parents had to work very hard to provide for us. My dad worked 2 jobs and was home very little when I was very young so that my mom could stay home and be with us kids instead of having to put us in daycare. I saw them work hard fro what they have, take care of what they possessed in order to make it last longer and also still give to charities or collect for them (Unicef, American Cancer Society and many others).

My mom was always careful to remind us how we were so much better off than a lot of other people around us and it instilled in me a desire to pay it forward and share with those around me.

I have taken those values into my life as an adult and as part of the head of our family. I only hope that my children will take away the same lessons as they move out on their own.

Grateful Heart - Day 9

I realized that I didn't do Day 8...maybe I'll go back and fill it in later...but for now, day 9. Today I am grateful for patience.

When I was younger, patience was DEFINITELY NOT my strong suit! I barreled through my life acting on my passion and whim. I didn't learn yet that patience can be an ally and a friend and save me a lot of stress, strife and tears.

Over the years, through maturing, through learning, and through experience I have purposely cultivated patience as a virtue. In exchange, I offend people less, I often make carefully considered responses to people who might be trying to engage me in arguments, and I appreciate more the things I have gained through patience.

Patience can come in handy in many situations. When I wanted to go to Ireland as a bucket list item, it seemed an impossible task. The old me would have either sacrificed money and time we didn't have just to make it happen or haphazardly decided that it was too expensive and written it off, never to be realized. Instead, I patiently researched the various ways I could cut costs and then decided how much money we might need to make it happen and began to save. This process took probably at least 3 years (which is a long time to wait when you're eager to go) of saving, planning, calculating, arranging, and orchestrating the trip. The result was beyond my dreams! And we came back with $300 or so that didn't get spent to put away for the next adventure.

Patience has also helped me avoid confrontations that are unwinnable. Instead of just reacting, I am able to step outside the situation, see it for what it is (unwinnable), and remove myself from it instead of engaging in what would only cause more hurt feelings and have to productive outcome.

Patience has made me a better parent. If I ask one of my children to change a behavior, the old me would have instantly become angry the first time they "forgot" or otherwise didn't conform. Instead, the patient me realizes that change comes with effort and that time is required to form new habits. Patience enables me to look beyond the immediate, be able to remind them what needs to happen again, and wait for the change to take place. In this way, we have less angst in the house overall.

I work consciously every day to remember to be patient and to greet difficult situations with patience. I'm not always successful, no one is perfect, but overall I have to say that my life is much more even-keeled because of it.

Grateful Heart - Day 7

I'm grateful today for where I live. I decided to go to Monterey today to do some Christmas shopping and let my daughter spend a little time with her boyfriend who happens to live there. As I drove the road down there (we live approximately 45 minutes away), I took some time to really appreciate the scenery and realized that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the United States, and maybe in the world.

We came up on the Monterey Bay right around twilight and the sky was clear with no fog to obscure our view and I commented to my daughter how beautiful it was. It dawned on me once again how blessed we are to call someplace like this our "neighborhood" of sorts.

We are planning on trying to spend some time in Europe this summer and I pointed out to my daughter that many Europeans choose to visit Monterey the way we are coveting our visit to Paris, France and Italy. She was shocked at this and reminded me that we're not as rich in history or culture as Europe is but I told her that the Europeans come to Monterey not necessarily just for culture (although there is some unique culture there) but for the beauty of the bay itself and the surrounding areas (Pebble Beach, Asilomar, 17 Mile Drive, Carmel and the Big Sur coastline).

Most of us are aware of the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland as being picturesque and the subject of many posters. When my husband and I arrived there and I looked at them, I was struck on how similar they are to some of the coastline near Big Sur....and felt grateful that I could have that so accessible.

It has always been my dream to live by the beach. I don't, but I have to say, where I live is pretty much perfect because I can get to the city (San Jose, CA) and to the beach in equal time. It's the best of both worlds. Here are some pics so you can see for yourself why I'm so grateful!

Grateful Heart - Day 6

Today I find myself grateful for passion. I think passion is not only a gift but an imperative. I feel like without passion for something, we're kinda just wasting space. For me, my passions lie in a few fields. I have a passion for politics but not the politics in the traditional sense but of ways of living and caring and going through life in a way that nurtures and cares for ourselves and others. I do get involved politically because I take very seriously my role as a citizen and feel that I cannot expect to just settle for the status quo unless I try to affect change where I feel it is needed.

I have a passion for reading. I am a voracious reader and always reading at least 2-3 books at a time. I somehow keep the stories straight in my head and find even a few minutes every day to crack them open and engross myself into the story or the learning that is being presented to me.

I have a passion for learning. I want to learn til I take my last breath. I don't think the day will come in my lifetime where I will wake up and say, "I have learned all there is to learn. I now feel content that my knowledge is the greatest it needs to be." Simply won't happen. In fact, what I DO know is that the more I know, the less I realize I do know. :) I love being a student of life, philosophy, communications, relationships and history.

I have a passion for children. They simply drive my world. I realize now that I focus on the children around me. I listen to them, observe them, try to learn from them. I try to understand what they see in the world and how it might differ from my perspective. I try to open myself up to their world and just sit there for a while. I find them fascinating and never boring!

I have a passion for writing. It has waxed and waned over the years but it is a constant. I have kept a journal off and on since I was 14 years old and they have become a timeline of events, feelings, growth and memories. It isn't enough for me that I simply walk through this life; I feel compelled to record my time here in some semi-permanent method.

So, for me, passion is a gift and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would hope for those around me that they search for and find their passions and cultivate them throughout their lives.

Grateful Heart - Day 5

Today I am grateful for the predictability of my life. I've never been a fan of change. There are those out there who relish adventure and change and all the excitement that comes with it. However, that is not me. Actually change makes me crazy for awhile, until whatever has changed begins to feel like my new "normal". I am flexible but only within parameters.

Most of the time, my days are pretty predictable, especially during the school year. I get up in the morning and drive my daughter to school, run by my job and pick up the bags to be processed that day (I am a bookkeeper for a local restaurant) and then go home, attack my work, prepare new cash bags and the day's deposits, eat breakfast, take a shower, and then look to see what I might be able to get done that day before I have to go and pick up kids from school at 3pm.

My favorite time of the day, actually, is the time between when I finish my work and I have to go pick up kids. I usually have some time to contemplate, write, read, or just mess around on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or generally cruise the net. This time is precious to me and I think what I don't like about non-predictability is that I probably don't get the chance to relax with my own thoughts/desires during those times.

Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that most days will look similar and that the people who surround me are pretty much predictable as well. I'm grateful for less surprises in this time of my life...I'm content.